Another old post, but seriously funny!

Happy Easter/Passover/Spring!

Good Friday Mass with a toddler

We got there and E was so excited... there were ducks on the church lawn! We walked inside and found a pew and Ethan started to cry.
E:  more ducks, Mommy, please" he whined. "Please, mommy. ducks please. ducks, Outside!!
Me: Not now, E, later. After church.
A few minutes passed, thankfully the choir was singing. But then they stopped.
E:  more singing, mommy. More singing. ABC song?  Dayenu? (dayenu is passover, wrong religion, kid!) 
Me: we will sing again in a minute. Look, there is Jesus on the cross!
E:  Jesus! Look, Jesus on the cross!  (yelling). Jesus!
Me:  (sigh)
Meanwhile, mass is starting and we are standing.
E:  milk bottle, mommy. please
me: here is your sippy cup
E: (crying) no, milk bottle. BOTTLE!
me: Sorry, baby, mommy only brought your cup. Bottle later. Here, do you want an apple stick?
E: apple sick!! apple sick!
Time passes, oh so slowly. 
E: sing a sing song.
Me: (Whispering in his ear) sing, sing a song, sing out loud, sing out strong, etc
E: more.
repeat. 
Time passes, slower and slower
E: AMEN! Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhmen. Amen.
(congregation: Amen)
E: Jesus on the cross!
(note... this sounds very innocent, but he was saying Jesus on the cross in the tone one might say something like, I don't know.... Christ on a cracker!) 
E: Jesus!
Me: <----wondering if she can do this!
Time passes
E; More apple sicks. apple sicks. apple sauce? apple sauce (whining now)
Me: Here is more apple, we can have apple sauce for dinner.
Priest starts to head down aisle with crucifix. Congregation lines up to touch the wood of the cross and perhaps kiss the feet of the crucifix. 
I wait until the end and then take E by the hand and we go up. We happen to get Monsignor's line and he smiles when he sees E
E: Hi.
Msgr: Hi. Do you want to kiss Jesus's feet?
E: Jesus on the cross! feet. No feet (shaking his head, looking at Msgr like he has lost it)
Msgr (stifling a laugh) ok. (blessed E)
E: (walking back to our seat) Jesus feet!
Me: Slowly dying. 
Time passed. Communion. 
Me: Come on, let's go see Msgr.
E: ok, monster (I think he was trying to say monsignor, but it really sounded like monster) 
We go up, I am holding E, I open my mouth for communion, expecting a host to be placed in my mouth by the priest. Instead, I get sticky apple fingers. Moving his hand, I get the host and put E down so I can make the sign of the cross. 
E: (Pointing to cross) Jesus! Ahhhhmen. AHMEN!!
Me: Hush, baby, quiet voice.
E: AMENAMENAMENAMEN
Me: Sigh.
(all the old ladies laugh and smile at him)
E: Amen!
Me: (I am beginning to think E isn't just Catholic and Jewish, he might have a bit of Southern Baptist or Born Again Christian in him.  I vow to myself, if he says Alleluia, I am outta there.)
E: Jesus feet, No.
Priest: Mass has ended, go in peace. 
Me: Alleluia!!!!